"White Minivan" defined

WHITE MINIVAN. Theory.

This is a theory which basically asserts that nothing good ever comes from a White Minivan.

When you notice that the flow of traffic is inexplicably interrupted, just look ahead, and discover for yourself that invariably the source of the hold up is a White Minivan.

Examples demonstrate it best:

Stopped in the carpool lane while the cars in every other lane whoosh by with the speed of light? Try to look beyond the gigantic SUV in front of you and see who’s at the head of the line – bet it’s a White Minivan.

Have you ever found yourself humming with the flow of freeway traffic when out of nowhere comes that White Minivan from the fast lane who’s just realized it’s about to miss the off-ramp it needs in an 1/8th of a mile, as you speechlessly witness it cut off all 4 lanes of traffic (including your own and the semi’s) just in time to make that exit, and with 1/16th of a mile to spare?

Stopped at a signal, sandwiched in with mouth agape, when the White Minivan in front of you backs up straight into your front bumper with its projecting trailer hitch (leaving a very un-aerodynamic hole in its wake) because it didn’t think anyone was behind it and it wanted to turn around without driving around the block? (And yes, I’ve actually had this happen).

All observational research thus far supports the belief that this theory applies to large White Vans and most White SUVs as well.

Theory Footnote: White Minivans typically run in packs with other minivans, and they tend to herd or congregate around school parking lots and the shopping centers of suburbia. These suburban parking lot gatherings take on a surreal life of their own (not far from Stepford) in an asphalt dimension I call the “Land of the Minivan”.

© by DK King